A letter to my second born

Recently, our third turned one. And as I went down memory lane, I found this unfinished blog post for a year ago… a letter to my second-born. Though it seems quite late, better late than never?

Dearest O,

They told me my heart would grow to love another again, but uniquely. And as soon as you were born, I immediately wonder why I ever had even a shadow of a doubt.

Baby girl, you are “without equal or rival” and uniquely you.

“The bittersweet side of appreciating life’s most precious moments is the unbearable awareness that those moments are passing.”

— Marc Parent

You’re about to become a big sister and I’m not sure how my heart will handle all these feelings.

한편으로는 아직 너도 애긴데… 너한테 너무 미안하면서도 너에게 동생을 줄수 있고 거기다가 자매를 줄수 있어 너무 감사해. 엄마는 자매가 없지만 내 주변에 있는 많은 사람들이 셋째가 또 딸이라고 했을때 너와 동생에게는 너무나도 좋을거라고 해서 위로가 됐단다.

My precious girl,
I don’t know what to expect but one thing I can promise is that my love for you will always remain.
You have gifted me the honor and privilege of becoming a girl mom.
And you opened up my heart in ways I never knew possible.

I love you.

A Letter to my Pregnant Self

Dear Pregnant Self,

At now 38 (!!!) weeks of your pregnancy, I know you’re just about done with it, literally and figuratively. Although everything feels uncomfortable and you daydream of having your non-pregnant body back, you’re also torn, knowing that once this baby comes, life will border between chaos and a hazy daze. You swing back and forth between anticipating baby’s arrival (wanting to meet her, wanting to hold her, wanting to finally see what she looks like, wanting to introduce her to big brother & big sister) and wanting to keep her nestled inside you for just a bit longer.  Pregnancy is such a mysterious thing, unlike anything else.

But it’s also no walk in the park, especially these last few weeks/days. But let me take this time, between finishing packing up a hospital bag and before rallying up the kids for dinner, to tell you, you’re doing an incredible job.

I know you’ve often gotten to the end of a day and felt like it didn’t amount to much, that you weren’t productive. You’ve struggled with feelings of inadequacy and battled the mundane, the feeling of life being Groundhog Day. The lethargy and limitations of pregnancy have bogged you down at times. But you’ve done all this with two kids, through a global pandemic - the peak of it here in Korea. (Actually, this is the second time going through pregnancy during this pandemic… and that’s a feat in and of itself.)

You’ve struggled with all the changes going on in and to your body - the weight gain, the swelling, the heartburn, the mid-night wakings to pee every two hours. But I want to remind you, you’ve been creating a life, a human being. Your body is amazing. It has created and birthed two beautiful children and now will soon birth another.

Yes, sheer panic flooded over you when you found out about this pregnancy – as it caught you by total surprise. But remember, though it may not have been in your plans, it was and has been in God’s. His ways are higher, his thoughts higher.

“We thought we were through but God gave us you”

I know you feel anxious about labor and delivery and postpartum recovery. I know you’re scared about how you will juggle the demands of being a mom of three, when life will return to “normalcy”, when and if you’ll ever go back to a job, a career, a calling outside the home. But remember to take a good look at your two children: how fast time goes, how quickly they grow up. “The days are long but the years are short.” Remember to stay present, to embrace your season.

And remember how long it took and how hard it was when we couldn’t conceive? The many, many tears cried, the many, many prayers prayed. God has shown you so much favor, He is so faithful.

And knowing this will be the LAST time, as uncomfortable as it is, as ready as you are for pregnancy to be over, soak it all in - the baby’s movements, naps during the day, lunch dates with hubby, even the discomforts of pregnancy. Because soon, it will all be over. Soon, you will welcome baby girl in your arms and a new season will be upon you.

Love,

Your Pregnant Self

Pregnancy #3: 35 weeks

35 weeks?! When did we get here?

Now that I’m in my final month (!!!) of pregnancy, I constantly feel torn with wanting pregnancy to be done (everything is growing uncomfortable - sleep, sitting, lying down, walking…) but also wanting to embrace this season and soak in it a bit more (especially with the kids in daycare and my own free time during the day).

This week was a jam-packed week - a baby shower (!!! more on this in another post), a doctor’s visit, thrifting, the start of nesting and crossing things off my “pre-baby bucket list”.

The doctor’s appointment was meaningful in and of itself because I switched to a new doctor, which honestly felt odd to do so late into my pregnancy. But if I’ve learned anything from my previous pregnancies, it’s to trust my instincts and to do what I feel comfortable with. And as soon as I switched and sat down to meet the new doctor, I felt good about my decision.

The appointment went as usual, with the normal checking of my blood pressure, weight and urine. But there were additional tests this week, a 20-minute fetal monitoring, a group B strep test (a swab down there), and some bloodwork. (Thankfully, everything came back normal.)

My doctor went above and beyond and asked me if I was experiencing swelling. And yes indeed have I been! He said that Korean women with national insurance are all given compression socks and arm sleeves (included with insurance) but because we have international insurance, he wanted to know if I wanted them. I asked if they help and he said many women say they do quite a bit. Thanks to his bringing it up, I now rock these compression socks and sleeves whenever I can and I must say, they have been helping!

Besides my appointment, we were able to go thrifting over the weekend - scoring some great deals including a pair of cleats for J, some clothes for the kiddos and some big, comfy tees for me. Other than that, I believe I have begun “nesting” because I’ve been busy decluttering, doing baby laundry, organizing, and buying this and that to prepare for baby’s arrival.

I was even able to take a candle-making class! A few weeks back, I started preparing for O to enter daycare and made a list of things I wanted to do once both kids were in daycare and before baby would be born. Some of the things on the list were:

• lunch dates with husband

• read at a cafe

• get my hair done

• binge-watch a drama

• get a manicure/pedicure

• take a class

And this week, I was able to cross off a few of these things, including “take a class”! Thanks to one of the beautiful ladies that threw me a baby shower, I was able to learn candle-making with her. It was

The finished products! 2 wax tablets, a woodwick candle & a bouquet candle

There was something so life-giving doing something I’ve been wanting to do. I enjoyed the process of choosing dried flowers, exploring the varied colors and textures and arranging them. I enjoyed it so much I hope to go back again with my mom. :)

Pregnancy #3: Maternity Shoot

It’s common here in Korea for women to head to a 조리원 joriwon, a postpartum care center after giving birth. Think of it as an all-inclusive “hotel” of sorts for mama and baby. (I plan on writing up some posts on my experience this “last” time around). The typical stay is two weeks and a joriwon package often includes a prenatal massage, a postnatal massage, and a photo shoot package (maternity, newborn, and 50-day shoots). The photo shoot package is in partnership with a nearby studio.

The first weekend of February I had my maternity shoot. We headed to the studio early in the morning for a 9:30 shoot. Luckily we’ve been here many times before (it was the same studio where I did my maternity shoot for O’s pregnancy, O’s 50-day, 100-day and 돌 dohl photoshoot).

Studios here offer a variety of outfits for mama which makes for one less thing for you to worry about during pregnancy. (I did have to do my own hair and makeup and coordinated outfits for hubby and the kids.) They’re fabulous with the kids, blowing bubbles and making sounds to get them to look at the camera and the shoot is relatively quick and painless, followed by around a 30-minute wait and then a slideshow is ready to show you the pictures!

As we sat and watched the slideshow, (*cue the emo music that brings on the tears) I couldn’t help but get choked up with so many emotions. Though we had thought we were through, God blessed us with another. And I’m thankful for this shoot capturing this season of anticipating the arrival of baby.

And one last one… to my partner, in all senses, my best friend and baby daddy, you are the real MVP. From enduring the first trimester where I was basically incapacitated, to allowing me a few days alone at my parents’ this past weekend, I could not do this without you. You are my rock, my strength. And though there are so many storms that will come, I am thankful to be weathering them with you.

Pregnancy #3: 28 weeks

Officially in my third trimester and oh boy, I may be ready for pregnancy to be done and over with. I wish I could say pregnancy has been glorious and that I’ve been enjoying every bit of this season (because it will be the last, I declare). But it’s been far from that.

Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s the fact that I have two other kids running around or because it’s my body’s third time around but I’m exhausted all the time and achy all over.

I get up to pee every two hours throughout the night, flipping from one side to the other is a big ordeal and I can’t seem to ever get comfortable. I feel larger than life and the thought of getting bigger with each day/week scares me a bit.

It was Lunar New Year (설날 seollal) during week 28 and so thankfully, my parents came to the rescue this week! (Thank goodness for grandparents.) The week was filled with delicious food, some of which my mom packed and brought to us, some of which I cooked and some of which the husband cooked. (Y and I recently treated ourselves to a cookbook and it has sparked the inner chef in Y. I’m not complaining!)

We got the kids dressed in their hanbok (except I didn’t prepare one for O so we had to do a makeshift one using a dress and J’s old hanbok top). And they did 세배 (sebae) to us and to grandma&grandpa. It’s a Lunar New Year tradition here in Korea where people bow to their elders and wish them a happy new year saying, “새해 복 많이 받으세요” (saehae bok mani badeuseyo'), which translates to “May you be blessed with good fortune in the new year”. As a reward, children often are given envelopes with money - sebaet don (세뱃돈).

J did a great job setting the example (they must’ve had him practice at school) and O followed suit.

Wishing you all a Happy Lunar New Year!