Motherhood: Messiness

Recently, I was “talking” to a friend (in quotes because it wasn’t talking in the conventional face-to-face sense but through an app called Marco Polo, of which I am very grateful for helping me stay in touch with friends across the world) about all the “gray” in motherhood. The conversation was sparked by a post I had seen titled “To the mom who loves motherhood—but misses her freedom, too” and something about it resonated so deeply with me.

As moms, we’re always in tension.
We love our children and cherish our time with them but simultaneously miss our freedom, our bodies, our time.
We feel fully the weight of the honor to bring these little beings earthside, to have them utterly dependent on us, to raise them, to have them trust us, but this weight can also be crushing at times. It’s not always rainbows and sunshine.
We’re thankful but we’re tested.
We’re overjoyed but also overwhelmed.

Motherhood isn’t black and white. It’s not “this” or “that”. It’s messy. It’s complicated.

Over the years, I’ve been learning to embrace the complexities, the gray. But we all need a reminder sometimes.

So this message is for all you mamas (myself, included).
Just because we miss and yearn for the bygone days doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate the current “here and now”. If anything, we’re fully feeling it all, fully present in the good, the bad, and the ugly.
It’s kind of like this: In the movie “Inside Out”, Riley’s core memories are filed away as one of the following: joy, sadness, anger, disgust, fear. But later (spoiler alert), the feelings realize in “Headquarters” that Riley can benefit from emotional polarities and that she can experience multiple feelings at the same time.

In life, we all flit and flutter between emotions but especially so in motherhood. When we allow ourselves to feel our emotions, all of them, however mixed and messy they are, it doesn’t make us “weaker” but actually makes us stronger and fuller.

Recent Reads V. 2

The Gospel Comes With a House Key, by Rosaria Butterfield

A dear friend recommended this book to me. And though it took me longer than expected to get through it (I had to borrow it a few times on my Overdrive account), I was glad I did. The author talks about the life-giving, life-changing power of “radically ordinary hospitality”, sharing her own life-altering experience of receiving radically ordinary hospitality and how it led her to see this as a calling and to adopt this as a lifestyle. I was personally convicted by how she and her family welcomed the broken, the lost into their home.

The Hate U Give, by Angie Thomas

After a nonfiction streak, I picked up this book truthfully not expecting much. But I could not put it down. A story about Starr Carter, a sixteen-year-old moving between two drastically different worlds, it tackles the challenging and complex issues of racism, prejudice, police brutality, “Black Lives Matter” that are so relevant in today’s society. As I read this book, I kept thinking about the term “cross-cultural code switching” that I learned during grad school. Code switching, the alternating the use of language depending on the social context and situation, was something that upon learning about, immediately resonated with me. Growing up as a Korean-American, I moved between different worlds: my affluent, predominantly white neighborhood and school and my Korean family and church. The author’s portrayal of Starr’s struggle with code switching and moving between her worlds is one that is complex and yet so real.

All You Can Ever Know, by Nicole Chung

In this memoir, the author speaks about growing up Korean in her white family. With candor, she shares about feeling different in her adoptive family, the prejudice and challenges she uniquely faced as an adoptee. She begins to search for her birth family when she becomes pregnant, initially wanting to find out more information on her medical history. But along this journey, she shares with rawness the complexities of adoption- grief, loss, the longing for roots.

Recent Reads

My childhood friend, Christine has a blog (one I’ve been a big fan of for years). Not only does she beautifully capture her life, her family and her adventures, she has a series called “What I’m Reading” that serves as a constant inspiration for more reading, which I always welcome.

Lately, I’ve found myself talking incessantly about a book I recently finished. So rather than talking off the ears of any friends that will listen, I thought I’d do my own version of “What I’m Reading”.

Rich People Problems, by Kevin Kwan

This year, I began listening to books on Audible and boy, has it been the best thing ever! This one was one I listened to. It’s the third book in the Crazy Rich Asians triology. Ever since I read Crazy Rich Asians and heard it was going to be made into a movie, I anxiously awaited for it to premiere here in Korea. With a little one, it’s not always easy to find the opportunity to catch a showing but Y and I made it happen before they stopped showing it here in Korea. Since, I have listened to China Rich Girlfriend and most recently, Rich People Problems. It was hilarious, having me chuckle to myself, legit laugh out loud. There was a hint of mystery and suspense but nothing too crazy. I enjoy the details of fashion, jewelry and travels interwoven in Kevin Kwan’s books. This book left me desperately wanting to travel to Singapore.

The Gratitude Diaries, by Janice Kaplan

I found out about this book through one of my favorite YouTubers, MKTV. (She’s a famous lecturer/motivational speaker here in Korea and I’ve been recently watching a lot of her videos for inspiration but also to study Korean.) Janice Kaplan embarks on a year-long gratitude project and shares how it changed her life. This book was the perfect mixture of research and anecdotes. I thoroughly enjoyed it and felt challenged by her personal stories. Gratitude, like any practice, takes just that, practice. But once we begin to build that gratitude muscle, it becomes easier and easier. And it can literally changes your body, your health! And the best thing? Gratitude is contagious! This is the book I’ve been nonstop talking about to many around me and I don’t think I’ll stop anytime soon. (More posts about Gratitude to come!)

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, by J.K. Rowling

This is one I’m currently listening to. But technically, it’s a re-read. It’s a perfect fit for the season with October (and Halloween) approaching. I have a confession. I never finished reading/watching the Harry Potter series. And every time I mean to, I tell myself I’ll start from the beginning to do it “justice”. So here it goes! I love this world that J.K. Rowling created. I’m curious as to what it’ll be like to reread this as an adult.

*** [If you have read any of these, let me know your thoughts! Also, feel free to share any book recommendations! Comment on the post!]

Seasons

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it here before but I’m just going to say it again. I love Fall. Like, butterflies-in-my-stomach, I get giddy inside, love. I love everything about it. I love the change of seasons, that first taste of the cool fall air that beckons me to pull out a cozy cardigan to curl up in. I love cooking a big pot of chili. I love fall-scented candles. But recently, I realized I love the newness of it all. Fall triggers a nostalgia within me that reminds me of a new school year, a clean slate, a fresh start and new beginnings.

I write this sipping on my homemade pumpkin spice latte. Albeit not the same as a cafe-made PSL, I’ve been desperately trying to replicate Northeast fall vibes here.

My PSL, fall vibes blanket, and October bullet journal spread inspo c/o amandarachlee

J in his newly thrifted outfit and our new fall wreath!

Fall food that will be on rotation: chili & apple crumble

With the change of season upon us, it got me thinking about seasons in relationships. I started off this year with high hopes for certain relationships to blossom and grow. I began dreaming big and hoping. But only recently did I realize that as the year begins to wind down, it just hasn’t panned out as I had anticipated. And I had to come to terms with it this morning. I allowed myself time to journal and process my thoughts out of the disappointment, and maybe even a bit of hurt. The voice of shame began to creep in, the ones that tell you you’re not enough. But then, I decided to shift gears and remind myself of all that I have to be grateful for.

People come and go. Relationships change.

This isn’t something my younger self would’ve anticipated. But I’m learning it’s all a part of life.

When I first moved to Korea, a friend of mine came and spent as much time with me as she could. Later, she told me she was intentional about that time because she knew it would be but for a season. She knew that we would both branch out and have our respective responsibilities and relationships to pour into, so while she could, she poured into ours. What a blessing she is, my wise, wise friend.

All I can do is stay intentional and connected to those in my life now, and remain grateful.

J at 31 months

I blinked and J is now 31 months. What?!

I thought toddlerhood would be a nightmare (all those stories of “The Terrible Twos'“). But it’s been relatively smooth-sailing (crossing my fingers) and a WHOLE lot of fun.

the first day it felt like fall, we pulled out his dinosaur sweatshirt

J is quite entertaining at 31 months. He’s even more full of life, expression and energy. He’s overflowing of curiosity, brimming with questions. Currently, this looks like a lot of “Why"? I am amazed at how much he soaks in and has learned. I’m also humbled as to how little I seem to know and how much I struggle to answer his Why questions.

At 31 months, he loves ice cream, his current obsessions are dinosaurs and most recently, mummies. We were gifted a collection of National Geographic books from my cousin and one day, he picked up the one on mummies. What started as a mixture of trepidation and hesitancy has now become an infatuation with the book. Last night, J and daddy played “Mummy” where my resourceful husband took some toilet paper and wrapped him up in it. (We saved the toilet paper to use later.)

magnatiles + dinosaurs

One of the biggest developments in our household has been that J is now potty-trained and sleeps in his big boy bed! These are big milestones, people! BIG!

It’s a funny thing, how kids just do things when they’re ready. I had been trying to potty train him for months but one day, he just didn’t want to wear a diaper so I put underwear on him, we went out to a doctor’s appointment, and at the pharmacy, I asked him if he needed to pee and he said yes so I took him to a public restroom and just like that, he went pee outside of the house for the first time!

With sleeping in his big boy bed, we made it a big deal. Leading up to the transition, we stumbled across a book, The Berenstein Bears “A New Baby”. Granted it’s about a new sibling coming into the picture, a majority of the plot was about Small Bear growing out of his bed and getting a new bed. So we ran with it. J helped clean the room and get it ready for the bed, he helped daddy move the bed into the room, we went together to pick out bedding (dinosaurs, of course).

Since learning to sleep on his own, each morning he wakes up and shouts out, “엄마! 아빠! 혼자 잤어!” (“Mom! Dad! I slept by myself!”) It’s really the cutest thing watching him feel so proud of himself.

I’m learning that parenting is a lot of watching and waiting and learning from our children. My sweet, sensitive, compassionate little man has been a source of great encouragement and inspiration - praying for dead bird, praying for mommy and daddy to give him a baby.

This week, I’ll be holding down the fort by myself as Y goes off on an adventure. Part of me is worried but a small part of me knows I should relish one-on-one quality time with my little man. Here’s to a week, just you and me, bud!